"So I lost. 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Big Deal. What they don't know is that they are on a show called 'Charlie Sheen' and they all lost."

"I would take her on. I like her, but I'd take her on" — says Donald Trump, about Sarah Palin.

What possesses people to make them think they could be President?

IN THE COMMENTS: Irene answers my question: "The fact that we elected The Apprentice?:

Paul Zrimsek observes that "Trump" sounds like a name one of the Palin females would give to a baby boy.

"What Not to Wear" is not the kind of reality show I would normally watch.

It's a "how-to" reality show, to use the Television Without Pity categories. The reality shows I enjoy are nearly all in the "competitive" category: "Survivor," "America's Next Top Model," "Project Runway," and — though "enjoy" isn't really the right word — "American Idol." I used to like "The Apprentice" and "Top Chef," too, but I don't want to watch any more seasons of the thing. I've had enough. The other category of reality show is "candid," and I love this category when it's at its best, like the first season of "The Osbournes" or the third season of "The Real World." The first season of "The Newlyweds" was good, and I don't mind stooping to some really trashy things sometimes, like "Wife Swap" and, in its day, the Anna Nicole Smith show — was it called "The Anna Nicole Smith Show"? But how-to? I don't want anybody telling me what to do, so why would it entertain me to see some purported experts telling somebody else what to do?

But I watched the new episode of "What Not to Wear" because part of it was filmed at a cool Brooklyn shop called Lee Lee's Valise:



This place is run by the wife of one of our very best commenters here on the Althouse blog, Trooper York. And he tipped me off that they were filming the episode, so I came down to the shop that evening after my class. The filming was over, but the stars of the show were there along with their how-to victim, and I wanted to photograph the store.



I wasn't trying to photograph the characters from the show or even act like I noticed them. I talked to the guy a little at one point, but just in the way that a shopper would chat with another customer. I didn't want to bother them, and I certainly wasn't going to act like a fan of the show, which I'm not. In fact, I still don't know the man's name. I'd have to look it up even now. Trooper York showed me a lot of merchandise and explained his theory of the place, which was very well worked out to appeal to young women who need large sizes but don't want to be hit in the face with the fact they they are shopping in a large-sizes store. The place is at the intersection of Court and President streets, which is easy for law types to remember — 2 out of the 3 branches of government.

Anyway, I just watched the show, which made over a 29-year-old woman who is a student at my old law school NYU. They converged on her at some law lecture and, horrifyingly informed her that they'd been secretly filming her to get footage of her wearing terrible clothes. They must get some kind of advance approval before they start the filming, right? If someone did that to me without my prior approval, I'd want to sue them. It's stalking!

So then they have to tell her everything she thinks is wrong, even when it isn't. She wears black skirts. Yes, most of them are too large, but the woman has lost a 100 pounds and is still in the process of losing weight. But the basic idea of wearing black skirts is obviously a good one, and the experts insist that it's not, and then they have to backtrack and say that actually it is. They are shocked that she wears black knee-high hosiery instead of full tights under a long skirt, but why? It's comfortable and invisible unless you yank up her skirt — which the fashion experts did, for the amusement of TV viewers. She had a nice, neat black jacket that was just way too large, but instead of talking about how she needed new clothes because she's lost so much weight, the experts showed her a completely different style of jacket, a gray plaid thing that they insisted was "young" and "professional" because it had wide, high lapels and buttoned up tightly under the breasts. There was no acknowledgment at all that the jacket won't look right or feel right buttoned up like that when she's sitting down, which she will be nearly all of the time working as a lawyer. They showed her a gaudy dress and contended that a loud print camouflages the shape of your body. This seemed insane, and it was also inconsistent with another one of their theories — that you should love your body as it is and show off the shape you have.

They spent some time doing the young woman's hair and makeup. Since she really needed a good haircut and wasn't wearing any makeup, this made a big improvement, but it had nothing to do with "what not to wear." Nor did it teach us anything useful. You already know you need to get a good haircut, don't you? And what woman doesn't realize she'd look better with some foundation and a little eye and lip makeup? That's not hard.

The show ends with everyone celebrating the amazing changes in the woman's appearance. You have scenes where everyone claps and cheers and the makeover target twirls around in her new clothes — which look ugly to me — and professes to be transformed. We're assured — typical woman's TV pap — that the young woman was always a wonderful person and now her exterior matches her wonderful interior. Blah! I'd rather see a show where philosophers descend on a woman with a perfect exterior and rip into her for her intellectual and spiritual failings, put her on some kind of internally transformative regime, and turn her into a human being of substance. Can we get that?

"Cracked-Out Shark-Jumping Awesome"... or not?

After giving the opening episode an A and saying "This Show Is Going To Be Cracked-Out Shark-Jumping Awesome," Jacob at Television Without Pity gives the second episode an F and says "Well, that was a new low... the worst ***damn show on television." I TiVo'd but didn't watch it. My TV time yesterday was limited to "Meet the Press" and an episode of an ancient season of "Survivor." I was going to decide whether to watch the new "Apprentice" episode based on Jacob's grade, and F is so bad you just have to look, right? I'm not quite sure what's going on with Jacob's wild mood swings, but it is clear that he's very deeply offended by the Playboy Mansion. And somehow juxtaposition with Hugh Hefner makes Donald Trump seem more loathsome than usual.

"I thought is was important for me to get up on that rock and supervise."

We hear Martin saying that, in voice-over on "The Apprentice," right after Frank says, everyone but Martin dug in and helped. Earlier, introducing himself, Martin offered to give Donald Trump a hug if he'd "let him go to the bathroom." Eee-yikes! To be fair, Trump had, a moment before, given a hug to another contestant, a woman who was a three time Olympian, with a gold, silver, and bronze medal. But, still... Martin... what are you thinking? Does it ever work on "The Apprentice" to play the fool? But at this point -- yeah, I guess I'm simulblogging -- Frank is way more annoying than Martin. He thinks he's showing leadership, but he's bossing everyone around so much that he causes Trump to lean out the window of his mansion and tell him to pipe down. Trump, you should know, has a mansion that overlooks the building that houses the Apprenti.....

Teams are chosen by the two leaders who emerged in the first segment (which was about erecting a tent). The leaders are the incredibly annoying Frank and the not-yet-really -noticed Heidi. Now, they're sent out to wash cars, and Heidi starts to gel as a character. She says: "We're here in West Hollywood, which is a homosexual area... so we hired two guys to stand on the street and hold signs...." The signs look like hell. Who would trust them to do a deluxe "hand wash" on their car?....

"You're going to have to wash your teeth and face and whatever the hell you do. I have no idea nor do I give a damn, okay? Whatever you do, it's going to be outside," says Trump as he lets the losing team know they have to live in a tent until they win....

We see the winners going to dinner with Trump at Spago, and the food looks less than glorious. Meanwhile, the losers are camping out and eating together outdoors overlooking LA. It's beautiful, and they have each other. Why don't they revel? They're acting like it's "Survivor." But they're in LA! And they've got a spectacular view. And they don't have that gasbag Trump interrogating them. I know it's all in the editing, but I despise them for not loving life.

Martin figures out that he needs to direct all the negativity at Frank. Martin -- who's a lawyer and a professor -- does a damned good job of identifying one bad thing about Frank and making it stick in everyone's head. (It's the dreaded failure to establish a "price point.")...

"Are you a lawyer?" "I am an attorney, sir." Mmmm... doesn't that make you want Mr. Attorney to go home? This is a lengthy boardroom struggle, with Frank fighting desperately for his life, and Martin -- Mr. Attorney-- sitting back and hoping Frank will implode. Much as I found Frank annoying as hell in the first half hour (of this 2 hour show), I'm rooting for Frank now.

And Frank wins! The man on the rock goes home.

ADDED: Tung Yin is following the new season. Jacob at TWOP is recapping but not happy.

Should I have watched "The Apprentice"?

Sorry. I forgot to watch TV last night. I've got it on the TiVo. Was it any good? The TWOP forum is not encouraging. I knew the tent twist from seeing Trump on Letterman... Eh. Do I need a new (season of an old) reality show? Well, I like to have 2 reality shows to follow. That's about all I can take, but I also like it. "American Idol" is about to re-start. Think I'm going to blog that again this year? Hmmm, I wonder! Currently, I'm still hanging onto "Top Chef." It's pretty good. I was watching "Survivor" and really enjoying it, to the point where, even before it ended, I bought the DVD of the Pearl Islands season. I've now consumed that and -- oh, help me -- bought two more old seasons! What a great show! All that suffering. By comparison, Trump now puts his losers in tents... in LA... Plus, he yells at them a lot... That hurts a little.

About those pop culture law school exam fact patterns.

I'm always basing my Civil Procedure II exam on some pop culture thing. CivPro2 here at UW covers jurisdiction and related topics, and I always need a fact pattern -- it doesn't matter what the substantive law is -- that involves a lot of people and places so I can generate some questions about who can join together in a lawsuit and where they can bring the suit and so forth.

In any given year, students could take bets on what pop culture phenomenon will turn up on the exam. If they'd done it this year, it would have been terribly easy to guess. It's "Borat." I changed the name, but basically it's a comedian traveling across the country provoking encounters... and sowing the seeds of lawsuits. It never matters whether the claims are sound or not. (I hope they're not!) I've simply got to create a controversy that has a somewhat complicated mix of people and places.

Does it add some fun to exam-taking, or is it annoying? I hope that, afterwards, it doesn't spoil the fun of the movie for the students. Ack! That was my Civil Procedure exam! I don't mean to do that.

Here's a list of a few things I've used for CivPro2 exams in the past: "The Apprentice," "The Blair Witch Project," "America's Funniest Home Videos," the Beach Boys' legal problems with Eugene Landy, "Supersize Me," "The Real World," the Cat in the Hat balloon at the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, paparazzi and the deaths of Princess Diana and Sonny Bono, stage diving at the Rave, the U.S. News law school rankings.

Trump fired Carolyn Kepcher!

Oh no!

"She became a prima donna," said one insider. "Being on 'The Apprentice' went to her head. She was no longer focused on business. She was giving speeches for $25,000 and doing endorsements."...

"George has been around a long time. He's seen everything. He didn't get excited even when women on the street started screaming when they saw him on his way to work," said one source. "But Carolyn took it very seriously. She thought she was a freaking movie star."...

"Trump told her what she had to do was take some time off and spend it with her family, and then get another job," said an insider. "They have a great relationship."

Well, really, why should Carolyn have to be bothered with running Trump National Golf Club? That was the job you know. And she may not be a freaking movie star, but she's a freaking TV star. On the other hand, how many tough blondes does Trump need on the show? He's got Ivanka, and much as we "Apprentice" fans love Carolyn, we also love Ivanka.

Meanwhile, Carolyn has her book, "Carolyn 101: Business Lessons from 'The Apprentice's' Straight Shooter," and her speaking tours, and plenty of money. It's just beneath her to be running a golf course. Though it is kind of embarrassing to get kicked off the show. I've got to think making room for Ivanka was part of it.

TV.

Is there anything good on? I kind of like to watch an hour or two of TV at night, but everything I was watching just ended. "American Idol," "The Apprentice," "Top Chef," "The Sopranos," "Big Love" -- all gone. I'm reduced to watching episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" the TiVo dragged in weeks ago.

UPDATE: "So You Think You Can Dance?" is on. Shall we watch?

Sorry, I originally put this update on the next post by mistake.

There's one thing about So You Think You Can Dance?" that scares me off: Mary's teeth. I can't understand them. Are they plastic teeth that fit on over her real teeth? She seems to need to bite them together to keep them in place. And they are so huge. And so white.

Why don't they make a reality shows about teeth? "Top Teeth," "So You Think You Have Teeth?," "America's Scariest Teeth"....

Audible Althouse #53.

666! Don't be superstitious. How about a little wisdom? The question whether Althouse is the agent of Satan. She was for Taylor Hicks and Sean on "The Apprentice." And George W. Bush in the 2004 election! Reminiscing about sitting around watching the election returns sets off a secondary digression about Burger Chef, the defunct fast food restaurant where Althouse worked, long ago. How the Satanists are responding to 6/6/06. The man who yelled "God will save me, if he exists" as he crept into the lion's den (and his death). Naming the electric chair... and the lethal injection. Jim Morrison singing "Soft Parade." Architecture! Docents! Tattoos! Including a tattoo of a bathtub. You know, Jim Morrison died in a bathtub.

It's a new podcast. You can stream it right on your computer -- no iPod needed -- right here. But all the cool people subscribe on iTunes:

"I'm dying for me to shut up. I get on my own nerves, like, 'Please, not again. Please.'"

So says Sean Yazbeck, the winner of the recent "Apprentice" season, in an interview with TV Guide.

Here's the context:

TVGuide.com: I want to thank you and Tammy for bringing a hint of romance to what to date has been a surprisingly asexual reality series.

Sean: I have to say... I cringe every time I see myself go on about Tammy. [Laughs] I'm dying for me to shut up. I get on my own nerves, like, "Please, not again. Please."

Ha ha. We don't hear enough about what it's like for reality show contestants to watch their edited selves on TV. And really, wouldn't we all, watching a video of our own lives, get on our own nerves?

Speaking of things rarely heard, how about this question asked by TV Guide:

[C]an you discuss Aristotle's concept of "eudaimonia"...?

And they really mean it, and he really answers. And the answer makes you think: my God, why do I watch TV?

"The Apprentice" -- the finale!

Sean or Lee. Lee's young. Sean's in love. Oh, it's obvious! Sean is the most charismatic finalist they've ever had on the show. Lee is a cool guy, but Sean's an original. Who care's about the boring charity tasks they just did? We're looking at the big picture, the whole season. Come on! It's Sean, right?

UPDATE: And it's Sean! Who just said he's going to marry Tammy, by the way. The ultimate winner. He gets the job and the girl. And he's adorable.

"We're just gonna bury them so deep, you know?"

Says Lenny, the Russian, expressing crazy confidence in the team Lee chose for the final task on "The Apprentice." Meanwhile, Sean chose the perfect team: Tammy, Andrea, and Tarek. These do seem to be the three best. Plus, he's in love with Tammy. He wants to win, get married, get everything. He's adorable expressing his utter confusion at Lee's choices, and jokingly theorized that Lee has some genius plan. But what Lee did was go to Lenny. He's weirdly bonded to Lenny. (And the last thing Lenny did to Lee was to bring him into The Boardroom -- nonsensically -- after Lee had supported and stood by him.) What strange mind control does Lenny have over Lee? Then Lee just sits at Lenny's knee and takes advice about who the other team members should be, completely buying the notion that what counts is how sincerely and passionately the players want Lee to win. Lenny says Roxanne and Pepi. Roxanne was Lee's opponent in the last round, and doesn't seem likely to care much about seeing him win. And the other one, Pepi, is a guy who was such an unsuccessful player -- eliminated in Round 2 -- that after Lee announces his team and leaves The Boardroom, Trump is all Pepi?! Who's Pepi? Was he even on the show? Did I ever say "Pepi, you're fired?"... while Carolyn cackles hysterically.

Oh, I'm still laughing...

About the uniforms Roxanne and Allie cooked up on "The Apprentice." (Or should I say "The Apprentice does Project Runway.") And the snuggling in bed before the boardroom. And then the way the two women clawed each other to death in The Boardroom.

Noticing "the saggy" and the eye-rolling.

That was a rather good episode of "The Apprentice" tonight. I really appreciated the judgment of the guys from WalMart and Microsoft. Sean and Lee had an unfinished exhibit. It was missing its "roof" and that made the walls sag embarrassingly. But they had a more commercial idea for the presentation. The women's team created a more finished-looking display, but it was really a tacky living room sort of place, where kids would park themselves in the comfy chairs and keep fast-moving money-spenders from entering at all. It's easy to imagine how Sean and Lee could have been excoriated for their messy hut, but the women's team lost. The big issue for the women was the eye-rolling. It's not eye-rolling, it's eye-raising. Allie and Roxanne went into high-school mode, disrespecting Tammy at every turn of the shopping cart. And since Roxanne also made the the lame signage, it looked for sure as if Roxanne would go down. Maybe even both Roxanne and Allie. But, no, it was Tammy who got fired. She just didn't lead. Now get out of here. Go.

Where's the "Apprentice" blogging?

I've been asked why I didn't blog "The Apprentice" this week. (And don't worry: I will be blogging "American Idol." It's Elvis week you know.) The thing is, like a lot of people, I'm getting tired of "The Apprentice." The tasks are so tedious. Require the Apprenti to put on an event to promote a product, drag us through an edit of all the details of the event, but then judge the winner by the dollar amount sold, so that the quality of the event doesn't make a damned bit of difference. The only thing interesting about the show was the perversity of firing a guy who wanted to follow a strategy that was not followed and thus had nothing to do with why they lost. In fact, if Michael's idea had been followed -- and two cheerleaders were ceded to the girls' team -- maybe the outcome would have been different. The two cheerleaders might have led the women into a more event-based approach, instead of the hard-sell. What sticks in my mind? A contestant in a steak-eating contest pulling an entire masticated steak out of his mouth. As they say over on Television Without Pity: A Series of Unfortunate Homoerotic Beef Orgies. The rest is a blur. But that steak... I'm seeing it in my dreams.

"There will be blood on the walls. There will be #&!*ing blood everywhere."

Allie does not want to lose on tonight's "Apprentice." She gets over-the-top fierce planning how she's going to destroy Andrea in the Boardroom. And, in fact, Andrea is destroyed in the Boardroom, but the blood isn't visible. The destruction is accomplished through clearly spoken support (for Allie) from the other team-members, especially Roxanne, who never seems the slightest bit vicious. So that's how blood is done well these days.

"Do not say: my mind was completely off."

Lee advises the English-deficient Lenny, on tonight's "Apprentice." Lenny's a little, why not?, I was really tired. Adorable!

Lenny is ousted, after he chooses to bring Lee back. Outrageous! Lee helped him, stood by him, and he fingered him. As they are leaving, Trump says: "And Lee, your loyalty was very nice."

Hey, it's a double episode!

Michael "is SUCH wanker" -- according to the guy with the English accent. The team won, but they lambasted Michael back at the hotel. In the new episode, Trump asks if anyone wants to switch teams, and Michael, smartly, decides to move.

"It will completely change your whole concept of reality." -- That's the desperate sales pitch for the pizza sandwich: P'eatzza.

So the teams try to sell P'eatzza, and who really cares what the problems were? Bottom line: the price point was too high. "Leslie, you fired. Phfeehrwhf!"

First person to be fired on her birthday? Oh, spare me. You know, if you are an adult, your birthday is an irrelevancy. With your spouse, you can act as if it's a big issue. But for the rest of the world: we don't care.

CORRECTION: I had the "wanker" quote slightly off -- not completely off -- and just fixed it. Thought you'd like to know. Not really. Thought some blogger ethics required me to confess.

"Life sucks. Do you know that?"

Says Donald Trump, attempting to discuss the issue of fairness, presented by one contestant on "The Apprentice," Lee, absenting himself from two tasks in order to observe Jewish holidays. The point is you can't fire him for that. You just have to accept the situation. It doesn't really mean that life sucks, but the message is there. Lee can't be fired. Nevertheless, clueless Bryce chooses Lee, along with Lenny, to come back to the boardroom.

Bryce was pegged from the start to go. There he was blabbing pointlessly when Charmaine tried to tell him that they needed to leave to meet with the execs (and they arrive 25 minutes late). Then he blabbed annoyingly in the boardroom too, even repeatedly interrupting Trump, as he tried to justify his ridiculous decision to target Lee. Fired, he was still blabbing in the taxicab: It wouldn't hurt Trump to listen once in a while.

There was that interlude before the boardroom when Bryce seemed to lead his group in a mutual support session, to the point where he had Charmaine believing that maybe their love would move Trump to keep them all. Bryce mocked Charmaine for her naivity, but then he went into the boardroom and acted as if he believed it could play out that way. Have we ever seen Carolyn smirk so severely at anyone?

"The Apprentice."

Was it a little dull tonight without Brent to kick around?

Another make-a-commercial task. I'm tired of that. And for a cruise ship! Ugh! Don't you detest cruise ships? Trying to make them appealing? I'm against it.

And that diamonds reward? We can't tell you how much this stash is worth, but it's more than $100 million. Now, hold these diamonds in tweezers so they can slip out and fall on the floor. That's entertaining. The Apprenti are told to pick a diamond to keep, and we get to see one woman decide that bigger is better, but we never hear whether she really did pick the most valuable one. So what was that all about? Just: diamonds are expensive! And this is a show about expensive stuff, so why not diamonds?