"Miss Wallis, you are young and talented and deserve better. All of us at The Onion are deeply sorry."

The Onion actually apologizes.

There actually is a line that even humor can't cross, and this is evidence of where that line is:

 
We get how this is a joke, but it's aimed at a particular child. Quvenzhané Wallis is the 9-year-old who had a Best Actress nomination for "Beasts of the Southern Wild." Wallis will also star in the new film version of "Annie," taking the part that Willow Smith declined on the ground that she preferring just being a kid.

Speaking of sex jokes aimed at young girls — and speaking of girls named Willow — this reminds me of the way David Letterman had to apologize for making a joke about Willow Palin. (To his credit, Letterman was under the impression that he was making a joke about Bristol Palin who was 18 at the time.)

Florida Man.

The world's worst superhero.

Is it wrong to tweet from the audience at the State of the Union?

Tennessee House Democrat Steve Cohen was only trying to send a private message, but — like your ordinary-citizen reckless idiot — he released it into his public Twitter feed.

Embarrassing.

But in the modern world, how can people today be expected to sit through a 1-hour speech and not fiddle with their electronic devices? Personally, I would lose my mind.

And by the way, how can all these people — some of them quite old — sit still for 1+ hours? They have to be in their seats in advance and remain there for a while afterwards, so the President can make his big entrance and exit. What percentage of them worried about having to go to the bathroom? How many of them took the precaution of wearing adult diapers? How many of them employed the convenience and relieved themselves?

I don't mean to be rude. I just think it's important to recognize our shared humanity. As Marco Rubio said the other day: "I needed water, what am I going to do? God has a funny way of reminding us we’re human." What about the other end of our hydration-related humanity?

Bob Dylan sang: "Even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked." And I say: Even the members of the United States Congress sometimes must have to pee.

And tweet.

"Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman caused an angry Twitter tirade last year from Estonia's president, Toomas Hendrik Ilves...."

"Now the electronic spat has been turned into a 16-minute vocal piece that will debut in April in a performance by the Tallinn Chamber Orchestra in Estonia."

In case you are wondering what they are singing about in Estonia.

Sample lyric: "But yes, what do we know? We're just dumb & silly East Europeans. Unenlightened. Someday we too will understand. Nostra culpa."

ADDED: "Where does 'Nostra Culpa' come down on Krugman vs. Ilves, on stimulus vs. austerity?"

"As the librettist I was conscious not to take sides," Mr. Diel, an American journalist living in Estonia.... "For my part there was no winner or loser chosen or intended."

"There is something intrinsically dramatic in this story," composer Eugene Birman said.... "As a composer, the words 'austerity' and 'stimulate' are particularly evocative musically. Arguments just make great listening sometimes." 

I feel bad about all the winners of the Big Ten's Suzy Favor Athlete of the Year Award.

If your name has been pasted on others as an honor, you have a special responsibility not to besmirch it. I feel sorry for the winners of that award, but otherwise, I wasn't in the mood to add to the exposure of "Three-time Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton [who] says she coped with depression and a troubled marriage by turning to a life of prostitution."

One of the country's best-ever middle-distance runners, Favor Hamilton competed for the U.S. at the Olympics in 1992, 1996 and 2000 but did not win a medal. She won seven U.S. national titles. She lives in Madison, Wis., where... she and her husband, Mark, live in a $600,000 home and appear to be in no financial distress....

Favor Hamilton told the website that only her husband was aware of her escort work, but that, "He tried, he tried to get me to stop. He wasn't supportive of this at all."

Favor Hamilton has been attempting to tweet her way back into respectability, working the mental health angle, saying she had "reasons for doing this made sense to me at the time and were very much related to depression" and that she was "drawn to escorting in large part because it provided many coping mechanisms for me when I was going through a very challenging time with my marriage and my life."

This is the standard approach famous people use to explain sexual misbehavior when they get caught. But here's a person who worked for an escort service that scheduled $600 an hour dates for her in as well as in Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Houston and Chicago. It's a business venture that seems organized and deliberate, not some sad symptom of mental illness. Too bad she can't own it.

"EPIC!! #uwmadison #snowday #snowfight #Draco #Madison #Wisconsin #bascom."

"All my residents came back from the Bascom Hill snowball bruised, battered, & bleeding. #HoFoProblems Good thing it was a #lakeshorevictory"

Collected tweets — with pics — of the latest classic Madison snowball fight.

What are #HoFoProblems? I don't know, and that tweet seems to be the only tweet on Twitter with that hashtag. Urban Dictionary suggests that "Hofo" is short for "homophobic" or — less likely — a combination of "ho" and "mofo."

IN THE COMMENTS: James said: "HoFo is a House Fellow." HaHa.

Are you keeping up with the tweeting of the Pope?

I started "following" him, but then there were no tweets, and I check Twitter so rarely, that I hadn't read any of his tweets. Then, I read in Vanity Fair: "Pope Starts Tweeting, Can’t Stop Tweeting, Is Called a 'Huge Bummer." Wow. Okay. So, I'll check what the Pope is tweeting. (I am not Catholic, so I'm under no obligation!)

Mary is filled with joy on learning that she is to be the mother of Jesus, God’s Son made man.True joy comes from union with God
— Benedict XVI (@Pontifex) December 19, 2012

Going for the embed code, I get to see everyone who's replying to that:

@pontifex dear Pope, we can read it in Bible, Twitter is for posting something trendy. Try it please.
— Jānis Palkavnieks (@Palkavnieks) December 19, 2012

. @pontifex Who is this 'God' you keep talking about?
— Carl Maxim (@carlmaxim) December 19, 2012

"'Candyass Blogger' Update: Free Speech Absolutists Who Banned Mr. Althouse UPDATE: 'These Are Historical Dildos.'"

I wasn't going to wade into the Loomis lunacy, but that headline caught my eye. I won't even try to summarize the post, by Robert Stacy McCain, other than to say that I read it out loud to Meade and we both laughed a lot and that it contains the phrases "Everest's testicles" and "historical dildos."

As for Loomis, I lean heavily toward academic freedom, freedom of speech, and the comprehension of metaphor, but against the hypocrisy that for purposes of this blog goes under the tag "civility bullshit" and against the appropriation of a child massacre for diversion and propaganda.

"Tiny monkey in a little coat runs amok in IKEA store..."

Notes Drudge, with tiny pic:



Linking here:

The primate's owners, who had been shopping in Ikea, came forward after the incident. They now face $240 fine for having an illegal pet.

The rhesus macaque species is not endangered but it is against the law to keep the animal in Ontario....

Yes, it's cruel to keep it in Ontario.

News of a monkey in a coat visiting Ikea quickly went viral on social networks. On Twitter, #Ikeamonkey trended and there are least two parody accounts. There is also an Ikea Monkey page on Facebook.

How many followers does the Pope have?

184,908, at the moment. But he's a newby on Twitter and hasn't even tweeted yet.

Oh, now 185,914. Impressive. Climbing. Ascending!

I see he's "following" 7, but it turns out all 7 are himself, in various different languages.

I went there via Twitchy, which says: "Shameful: Pope Benedict XVI joins Twitter, vile hate starts before his first tweet."

The great thing about Ratzinger's twitter is that we can finally report the Pope for abuse. Abuse of boys, human rights & twitter @Pontifex

Predictable.

"Do you Tweet?"/"I tweet when I’m prodded to tweet."

"What about you, do you tweet?"/"Only when forced."/"Exactly. Now why is that?"

"What about Facebook?"/"No, I don’t use Facebook. I absolutely don’t want to stay in touch with everybody in my past. I really believe in falling out of touch with people."

"Question: What kind of dumbass packs a freaking grenade in his carry-on ... and accidentally tries to take it onto a plane?"

"Answer: Flaming Lips singer Wayne Coyne. And he shut down an Oklahoma City airport in the process."

According to reports, Coyne was flying to LAX to catch a preview of the new Flaming Lips musical "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots" -- and told police he was given the dead grenade at a party as a joke.

Shocker, the grenade reportedly resulted in several missed flights ... and lots of wasted money -- but once TSA determined it was harmless, they let Coyne go.

Sorries duly tweeted:

Sorry Sorry Sorry!! Everyone that was inconvenienced because of my grenade at OKC airport!!moby.to/gf33hv
— Wayne Coyne (@waynecoyne) November 10, 2012

ADDED: To demonstrate The Flaming Lips to Meade, I found "She Don't Use Jelly" in YouTube, where there are over 1500 comments, most of which seem to be new verses for the song — which is the kind of song that you can learn immediately and then make up your own words to off the top of your head in the style of the original. I know a girl who... etc. etc. It's easier than limericks. Try it!

Top comment at YouTube:

I know a King who likes to kill
in front of the public - coz it's such a thrill,
but he don't use nooses
and he don't need the police.
He don't use lions
or any of these.
He uses guuuu-iii-lll-otines

"She Don't Use Jelly" came out in 1993 — which was a fun year for watching TV around here. Wikipedia says:

According to Coyne, "The song came to me very quickly...."

I'll bet it did. Let's all strum a guitar, sing like a child (or is that singing like Neil Young?), and use just about the first silly words that come to mind and rhyme. The song got popular a year after its release when it was mocked on "Beavis and Butt-Head."

"You know the chick who makes you toast? Heh heh. So what?"

"I can make toast. Heh heh."

"Really."

"Uh oh. I think this is college music."...

"You know how you can tell this is college music? They're in a field."

"Yeah. Fields suck."

Fascinating how something supremely mockable, originally seen being mocked, gets to be thoroughly liked, and here is this band, 20 years later, still popular, making a musical, and that dumb, easy song is still their biggest hit. The mystery of American pop culture.

AND: I don't accept Coyne's tweeted apology. I want him to apologize by taking that hand grenade and getting a photograph of himself made in the pose of "Child with Toy Hand Grenade in Central Park" — by Diane Arbus:

Arbus captured this photograph by having the boy stand while moving around him, claiming she was trying to find the right angle. The boy became impatient and told her to "Take the picture already!" His expression conveys his exasperation and impatience with the whole endeavor, as the contact sheet for the shoot reveals. In other pictures, he is seen as a happy child.

But the picture became an icon of what's wrong with America — with its mentally ill attachment to weapons. It's not surprising that we're so bitter, and we cling to hand grenades and Anglican religion and we use Va-a-a-a-se-line.

A disappointing turnout for the Obama rally in Madison, Wisconsin.

Personally, I'm at work, but [my husband] Meade is on the scene, where he talked to a police officer who said they'd planned for 30,000 but were estimating the crowd at 15,000. And Meade encountered a friend who said he'd heard reports that it would be a nightmare trying to park downtown, but he pulled into a parking garage and was the first car there.

The police had cordoned off a big swath of lawn on the Capitol Square for the spillover crowd, Meade told me (by phone), but there is no spillover crowd.

Here's the #ObamaMadison Twitter feed, coming from many people on the scene. They are "shoulder-to-shoulder" packed in, they say. Here's the presentation of tweets at Isthmus. I selected these:

O hai black helicopter! #obama #madison

POTUS must be close because there's a Blackhawks helicopter out my window! #obamamadison #theboss...

Kind of crazy looking at the tweets from #ObamaMadison. Just 3 blocks away and I can't even tell, except for the circling military choppers

Couldn't those olive drab helicopters have the courtesy to quiet down so we can hear the speakers? #ObamaMadison....

UPDATE: Meade phones: "It was a very subdued crowd." Did they ever use the overflow area? No. Subdued for both Obama and Springsteen, said Meade, proceeding to sing me his imitation Springsteen.

Arab tweets: gloating over Sandy and criticizing the gloating.

A headline at Al Arabiya News reports on the ugly:

Commenting on the super-storm disaster, one person who identifies himself as a professor of religion tweeted: “We ask God to destroy them all, and not keep one of them,” because the United States “supports war and abuse towards Muslims.”

And the beneficent:

Palestinian poet Mourid Barghouti also criticized gloaters over Sandy. He tweeted: “Who told you that children, students, women and men in America wish you [Muslims] death? Politicians like Mubarak and Bush are one thing, and humanity is something else.”

In the same vein, Engy Hamdi, political activist and member of Egypt’s April 6 Movement, wrote on her Twitter account, “Did Islam teach us to gloat amid the misfortunes of people?"

It's interesting to focus on gloating. 

Fazil Say, the pianist on trial in Turkey for tweeting things like...

"Why such haste? Have you got a mistress waiting or a raki on the table?" (joking about the brevity of a call to prayer).

"You’re an unemployed black woman endorsing @MittRomney. You’re voting against yourself thrice. You poor beautiful idiot."

Twitter pushback against Stacey Dash, an actress who tweeted "vote for Romney. The only choice for your future."

Wisconsin state senator Jon Erpenbach tweets the NFL commissioner's phone number...

... because, you know, those damned replacement officials and Jennings caught that ball and offensive pass interference and arrrggghhhh come on people let's harass Roger Goodell.

ADDED: "Twitter Lynch Mob: Let’s kill NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell."

And: "Scott Walker: ‘Return the real refs’; Libs cry hypocrisy over unions, spew venom."

"A North Carolina man was arrested yesterday for threatening to kill President Barack Obama in a series of Twitter messages..."

... in a series of 5 tweets:

"Ima hit president Obama with that Lee Harvey Oswald swag"...

“Well Ima Assassinate president Obama this evening !...Gotta get this monkey off my chest while he's in town -_-.” Another message claimed that the Secret Service “is gonna be defenseless once I aim the Assault Rifle at Barack’s Forehead… F* the #DNC.”

When a Twitter follower asked, “U serious??” in response to one of the Obama threats, Sims replied, “as a Heart Attack.”...

His last tweet before the Secret Service showed up was “Smoking a L as I wait on my Chinese Food.” According to the Secret Service report, Donte Jamar Sims, 21, smiled when they read him those tweets.

"Eastwooding" — the meme.

The term "Eastwooding" — referring to talking to an empty chair — popped up on Twitter and got retweeted — by Ana Marie Cox — with the incitement "INTERNET you know what to do."

Do a Google image search for it — here — and tell me if this is working against Eastwood or against Obama. Even if it's half and half, it's not against Romney. As far as the election is concerned, the harm to Eastwood is irrelevant. And at some point, I think it's giving Eastwood currency. It may not be true that in showbiz any publicity is good publicity, but the kind of publicity that's not good needs to be a lot worse than rambling inappropriately. (It has to be even worse than this. Maybe even worse than this. Let's say: this.)

Anyway, Clint will be fine. He's so much tougher than internet meme-dweebs that it's not worth worrying about him. And I don't think Clint wants us to worry about him. He wants us to worry about the economy and the election.

And so the question is, does all this "Eastwooding" activity help or hurt Obama? I think it's intended to help, but the meme is that Obama is an empty chair, and that like saying he's "Zero" or an "empty suit," which people have been saying for a long time. 

IN THE COMMENTS: Rhhardin says: "There's an empty suit passage in Carlyle's Sartor Resartus that fits." Here:

What still dignity dwells in a suit of Cast Clothes! How meekly it bears its honors! No haughty looks, no scornful gesture: silent and serene, it fronts the world; neither demanding worship, nor afraid to miss it. The Hat still carries the physiognomy of its Head: but the vanity and the stupidity, and goose-speech which was the sign of these two, are gone. The Coat-arm is stretched out, but not to strike; the Breeches, in modest simplicity, depend at ease, and now at last have a graceful flow; the Waistcoat hides no evil passion, no riotous desire; hunger or thirst now dwells not in it. Thus all is purged from the grossness of sense, from the carking cares and foul vices of the World; and rides there, on its Clothes-horse; as, on a Pegasus, might some skyey Messenger, or purified Apparition, visiting our low Earth.

Neither demanding worship, nor afraid to miss it... So then Obama's not an empty suit!

If Jason Biggs were an important actor...

... it might matter that he tweeted this. But presumably, his career means something to him, so it's interesting to see that Hollywood is a place where a person could think that stuff like this is appreciated.

It's not, is it?