"'I am,' I said/To no one there/And no one heard at all/Not even the chair."

A propos of the Clint Eastwood empty-chair performance, Palladian reminds us of that horrible Neil Diamond song.

Click for the full lyrics, studded with links to appropriately evocative photos, e.g.:

But I've got an emptiness deep inside
I've tried, but it won't let go
I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared for the sound of being alone

And here's the tune to play in the background.

"Neil Diamond…yes, here he is, Neil himself, who, in his old age, has adopted the talking/singing style of Rex Harrison as Professor Henry Higgins."

For some reason, that's what I found to be the most entertaining part of the final "American Idol" results show last night.  That and the way Jennifer Holliday looked like she was going to devour Jessica Sanchez. I also like the part where Phillip Phillips, having won, and being left on the stage to sing a final song, realized he didn't have to sing and just cried a little, then walked over to his mom for a hug, which became a big old family hug (until Jennifer Lopez trotted over to infuse the hug with her extraordinary beauty and talent without which the season could not properly end).

Neil Diamond, Alice Cooper, Dr. John, Darlene Love, Tom Waits.

New inductees to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Passed over this year: Bon Jovi, LL Cool J, the J. Geils Band, the Beastie Boys, Donna Summer.

But as "Rock Hall says no; White House says yes":

The humble band from Sayreville will not be among the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees... In brighter news, President Barack Obama on Tuesday named Jon Bon Jovi, a staunch Democratic supporter, to the White House Council for Community Solutions....

Bon Jovi, who performed during Obama's inaugural concert, heads the Jon Bon Jovi Soul Foundation, a nonprofit group working to alleviate poverty and homelessness across the U.S. The White House cited the rocker's work with that foundation as a reason for the appointment.

Neil Diamond on "American Idol."

I'm just catching up with the TiVo'd show. (As I said, I was walking over the Brooklyn Bridge. Just an after work walk. Midway through the bridge I realized I was starving, and I felt like a zombie stalking the rest of the way over and for blocks into Manhattan to get to a restaurant. Restaurant! Restaurant! It was gruesome.)

Neil is doing a great job. He's been well advised: Be like Barry Manilow. Not Dolly! Help the nice, young kids. Don't self-promote. Does Neil actually care about these the kids? I don't know, but he seems like he does, and that's enough to make me like him.

They're singing 2 songs each, and — in a shocking break from tradition — the contestants sing their first songs without hearing from the judges. Then they're lined up on the stage together for judgment. Horrible idea. Randy goes down the line and gives each one a little opinion on their first song. Then Paula starts with Jason and tells him what she thinks of his first and his second song, even though he hasn't sung his second song yet. This is the biggest Paula screw-up of all time. We see Ryan Seacrest glance nervously over to the side. The audience giggles. She's about to go on to David Cook, and Randy interrupts and says, "We should just do the first song, uh." And now the truth is out! They prepare beforehand, based on rehearsal performances! Arrrggghhh! My AI world is torn apart. Ryan relies on his tiny wit: "You're seein' the future." Simon is making that hand gesture where he holds his thumb to his forehead and flares out his fingers. What is it? The half moose? Simon squelches Paula. Just say who your favorite was and shut up. Then Simon tells all the kids they sucked.

Then we get another round of songs, but we don't see Neil again, and it's all quite forgettable.

I think we all know either Jason or Brooke is going to leave. And, frankly, I think we know that Jason, Brooke, and Syesha are going to be leaving in the next 3 weeks. The only interesting question is: Which David will win?

IN THE COMMENTS: Jennifer says:

Oh, and I thought you would say that Neil Diamond didn't go the Barry Manilow route. He didn't seem to give a whole lot of advice...? But, I guess they gave him very little screen time.

Hmm. Yeah. He wasn't making the Dolly mistake (making it all about oneself), but he didn't really achieve Manilosity, because he didn't have a lot of detailed, individualized advice. Maybe he's just not as smart or he didn't take the time with the singers. And there was a time issue. Was it caused by cramming 10 songs into 1 hour, or did they choose to make it 1 hour because Diamond didn't give them enough material?

"American Idol," the Las Vegas auditions.

They're in "Vegas" tonight. Kenny Loggins is the guest judge. That adds less than zero to the excitement of the evening.

"I bit off my acrylic, so I'm way sick," says Mikalah Gordon, who's just 16. She sings "Lullaby of Birdland." Everyone loves her. "You're just cool," says Simon. Randy says "100,000 percent yes." Afterwards, she's asked what it means, and she says "It means that maybe one day I can buy my mom the implants she's always wanted."

A wild-eyed man who worships Neil Diamond and was deaf as a child is second. He seems wedded to a single note.

"I know you're used to rejection, which makes this easier" – a classic turndown from Kenny.

A Las Vegas showgirl sings "I Want to Love You Forever" in that groany pop-singer way. She's pretty good. The guys love her and Paula says "I'll let you guys have fun" and agrees with the yessing.

A nerdy guy sings "Heartbreak Hotel," which, if you're going to do Elvis, really is the best Elvis. Unfortunately, he's not good. He's "appalling."

Now, a Molfetta twin from last night is back. He's gone solo. He sings "I Who Have Nothing." He fancies it up as much as possible. "You gotta lose some of the act," Randy says. "I thought it was incredibly corny, " Simon says. Paula tries to claim control on the theory that she's the woman. And the solo Molfetta gets through!

A cute, high energy girl named Emily Neves comes out. They tell her she seems like Cyndi Lauper, and she launches into "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" but it's bad. Try something else, Paula says, so she does "Different Drum" and points at Simon when she says "you can't see the forest for the trees." Her adorable cuteness comes out, and everyone says yes.

The next guy claims to be 28, the age limit for the contestants. But he looks ancient, and they toy with him. He sings that dreadful Gary Puckett song about a girl lying about being old enough to have sex. They give him the boot.

Desi Yazzie shows up. His brother Dino Yazzie was a disaster in Season 2. Desi is nearly as bad. It's sad, but it's cute that the parents must have loved Dino, Desi, and Billy.

A cocktail waitress , Sharon Galvez, sings "I'm Saving All My Love For You." She's thrilling! She can sing Whitney! "You owned it," says Paula. Yeah!

A very unattractive psychic comes out and predicts she's going through. "I'm gonna sing Elvis Presley, 'Can't Help Fallin' in Love Witchoo.'" She's tone deaf. She doesn't really belong on the show, but they included her because they think it's funny that she claimed to be a psychic but couldn't predict her own rejection. I'm sorry, that's just not good enough.

A 27-year-old fat "homemaker" named Jennifer Todd is next. She sings some Alicia Keyes ("If I Ain't Got You"). She's warm and soulful. Full, beautiful voice. We wait for her transformation into a glamorous performer. I'm touched. I wipe away tears.

Mario Vazquez: wow! Paula: "Wow." I say: "That's what I wrote, wow."