"And as the time passed and the servants came in and stood waiting in the hall, his eyes began to blink anxiously, and he spoke of the rain in a worried, uncertain way."

I figured that "ducks will have something to eat" post has got you screaming please, please, give me a "Gatsby" sentence. I know many of you don't like or don't get the "Gatsby" project, in which we isolate and munch on a single, possibly turgid, sentence from "The Great Gatsby," more or less every day around here on the Althouse blog. But now, perhaps, you'd love one as an amuse bouche. The moods are orchestrated here on Althouse.

This sentence has us suspended in time. Time passed, servants waited, standing around, and the man is there, being awkward. Blink is a good word in relation to time. It expresses the shortest kind of time, and anxious eye blinking contrasts to the waiting around of the servants. They are patient and he is nervous, and then — cutting through the awkwardness — the man speaks — but his speech piles on more awkwardness, as he talks about the weather — rain — and we need to be told that this isn't relaxing talk-about-the-weather small talk. His weather-talk has a specific, unsettling attitude: He spoke of the rain in a worried, uncertain way.

How is the weather where you are? Is there much rain? Please watch out for the ducks... the hungry, hungry ducks. 

"The world’s most experienced penis reattachment surgeons can be found in Thailand..."

"... where, during the 1970s, an estimated one hundred vengeful Thai wives, spurred by media coverage of a prominent 1973 case, sliced off the penises of their adulterous husbands as they slept. When a suitably equipped microsurgeon was on hand to reattach the errant appendage, the men were able to resume philandering within a matter of months. Though probably with reduced success: The penises, though operative, were shorter, numb, and often only partway erectable. The most serious complication, in the Thai attacks, was infection. Two of the wives flushed the penises down the toilet, forcing their husbands to grope for their lost manhood inside the septic tank. (Incredibly, both were found, cleaned, cleaned some more, and reattached.) More commonly, the women would hurl the penis out the window. In the cases described in 'Surgical Management of an Epidemic of Penile Amputations in Siam,' all the recovered penises were 'grossly contaminated.' Better that than eaten by livestock. Many rural Thai homes are elevated on pilings, with the family’s pigs, chickens, and ducks tending to mill about seeking shade in the space underneath. It is not, oddly, the pigs, but rather the ducks, that the castrated Thai must worry about. The paper does not provide the exact number of penises eaten by ducks, but the author says there have been enough over the years to prompt the coining of a popular saying: 'I better get home or the ducks will have something to eat.'"

I'm reading "Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex," by Mary Roach.

"I'm a lot like Baby Huey. I'm fat. I'm ugly. But if you push me down, I keep coming back."

So said President Bill Clinton (in 1993).



Remember Baby Huey?

He would see his peers playing, and would immediately get excited. Whenever he tried to involve himself in the activities of his peers (also anthropomorphic ducklings) he would often inadvertently cause more problems, and as a result they would drive him away through trickery (and into tears). A hungry fox would show up, originally intending to eat Huey's peers, but upon seeing Huey as a bigger meal and overhearing the distraught duck's desires to play with someone, would feign friendship and set traps along the way, all of which would prove ineffective on Huey and/or backfire on the fox. At first Huey was blissfully unaware of the fox's true agenda. But as his peers watched the annoyed fox in action from a safe distance (and fearing for his safety just as they did their own), Huey would come to realize the truth about his predator and dispose of him, usually by saying: "Hey, you! You're the fox! And I think you're trying to kill me!", and would finish the fox.

Bizarre for a President of the United States to equate himself to that!

"My duck does a wonderful trick. My duck can lay an egg!"

Via EDH in the comments to "Signs that people are tired of thinking about politics," which highlighted the Washington Post article about the amazing fact that a bird laid an egg. And who better than Shirley Temple to epitomize the desire for distraction from politics?

"White House Already Denying That Mandate Is A Tax. If you deny that it’s a tax, you admit that it’s unconstitutional...."

Says Instapundit, linking here.

I've got to disagree. Under Chief Justice Roberts' opinion, what matters under the constitutional law is how the thing operates in reality, not what you call it. You can switch the the labels around, play whatever political euphemism games you like, and the judges will let you get away with that. It's propaganda. Knock yourself out. Bamboozle the people. Democracy rolls on.

But in court — the message is — we look through the surface and see what is really happening. And if it is structured and functions like a tax, it's a tax.

You know, there's a saying that lawyers and lawprofs like. I think it's corny, so I haven't been saying it. I don't think that in 25+ years of teaching law I've ever said it, but I've heard it said so many times, and it's said because it's a way of saying something that lawyers and lawprofs really think about law: If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

Googling that saying, I get — as my first result — a Wikipedia page titled "Duck test."

Indiana poet James Whitcomb Riley (1849–1916) may have coined the phrase when he wrote "when I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck."The phrase may also have originated much later with Emil Mazey, secretary-treasurer of the United Auto Workers, at a labor meeting in 1946 accusing a person of being a communist....

Later references to the duck test include Cardinal Richard Cushing's, who used the phrase in 1964 in reference to Fidel Castro.

Oh! I didn't know I'd encounter so much communism!

Make of it what you will. We have a democracy, and it's not going to work if we can't handle the bullshit.

The President can say it's not a tax, and it's still a tax for the purposes of analyzing the taxing power. The Supreme Court has validated lying.

Did you notice the other case that came out last Thursday also put the stamp of approval on lying? It was United States v. Alvarez — the "Stolen Valor" case. A man who lied and said he'd won the Congressional Medal of Honor was prosecuted, and he won on free speech grounds in the Supreme Court.

So Thursday in the U.S. Supreme Court was a great day for the grand old human practice of lying. From Justice Alito's dissenting opinion in Alvarez:

Respondent’s brief features a veritable paean to lying. According to respondent, his lie about the Medal of Honor was nothing out of the ordinary for 21st-century Americans. “Everyone lies,” he says. Brief for Respondent 10. “We lie all the time.” Ibid. “[H]uman beings are constantly forced to choose the persona we present to the world, and our choices nearly always involve intentional omissions and misrepresentations, if not outright deception.” Id., at 39.

 Everybody's always lying.

Now, grow up, pay attention, and don't get played.

5,000 ducks.

Walking in the road, stopping traffic.

Oh! I forgot to watch the recall candidates debate!

Forgot even to tape it. I did notice at one point that there was a debate and made a mental note to tape it. I had the motivation of wanting to tell you all about it, but I forgot. It was a Friday night. Did anyone watch?

Well, I'm sure it's on line. Yeah, here. And we can always check out the Wisconsin State Journal report:

Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett, former Dane County Executive Kathleen Falk, State Sen. Kathleen Vinehout, D-Alma, and Secretary of State Doug La Follette appeared at Wisconsin Public Television's Madison studios for their last debate before Tuesday's primary. The winner earns a shot at unseating Walker in a general recall election June 5....

The Democratic gubernatorial hopefuls were careful not to jab each other too hard Friday and risk alienating each other's supporters; the nominee will need a united front going into June. Instead they spent most of the evening trotting out well-rehearsed talking points against Walker.

Trotting out well-rehearsed talking points and not attacking each other? Then there was no test of who would do better actually wrangling with Walker.

But Barrett accused the governor of caring more about traveling around the country and parlaying his reputation as conservative superstar into loads of out-of-state campaign contributions.

"I'll stay here in Wisconsin to work and retain jobs," he said. "I won't be a rock star to the far-right movement."

That's a relief! I'm sure Barrett will be quite the non-rock-star — of the left or the right.  That's his pitch: I'm very bland. How that retains jobs, I have no idea. He's not even offering to grow jobs (as Walker did). Just retain them, okay?

Meanwhile, Falk said:

"No one will work harder than I to get people back working."

So she'll work hard. No Walkeresque claim of creating job, nor even a Barretty assurance of retaining jobs. Just working really really hard.  It's the diligence, the very earnest diligence that matters so much. Diligence and good grammar. No one will work harder than I [will].

They also talked about restoring civility, because you know how Scott Walker caused that terrible outbreak of uncouthness:

"That's what's missing in Madison right now," he said. "The basic human respect is gone."

Falk likened the state to a broken family. Sometimes, she said, it takes a mother with a firm, strong hand to bring it together again.

Oh, no! Falk is playing the gender card.

"We need a mom and I'm anxious to be that mom and bring us back together," Falk said.

Oh, no! Ha ha. That's laying it on really thick. I'm live-blogging my reading of the article, so I hadn't seen that when I was making fun of her "No one will work harder than I" idea for building economy. I was going to say it sounded like a school girl running for class president. I was even going to break out the Tracy Flick comparison...



I decided not to. My feminist scruples won out and I decided not to lay a gender template on that striving overachievement attitude. But then she outright played the gender game. So Tracy Flick must be noted. It's simple pop culture literacy to cite Tracy Flick. I'd just plain not be doing my job as a blogger if I didn't embed that.

Now, I'd like to embed something comparable for Barrett, because I'm not endorsing anyone. But what pop culture reference could I make? He said himself that he's not going to be a "rock star," and that's actually pretty comical in itself. You know, you have somebody who has zero capacity to be something, and he assures you that he'll refrain from being that.  What's the pop culture reference for that?

ME: "Can you think of someone who was in a famous rock band, but was totally in the background, like somebody completely boring and schlubby, where you'd be all look at the bassist, why is that guy in the band?"

MEADE: Maybe Phil Lesh.

ME: No, he's too cool.

MEADE: Phil Lesh is cool?



So... the candidates were asked how they'd restore the public workers' collective bargaining rights:

Barrett promised to use "any vehicle I can to get to the destination," but said he'd start with a special legislative session shortly after taking office.

That reminds me. Speaking of "any vehicle"... I note that they didn't even mention one thing that Doug La Follette said at the debate. Here at Meadhouse, we've been laughing for days about this:

... La Follette says he would "fly to Washington, D.C." to try to reclaim funding for high-speed rail that Walker nixed....

Meade said: "Fly to Washington! Why doesn't he take the train? There's a train to Washington."

I said: "Well, let's be fair. Maybe he has little wings and he can fly. Make Way for Douglings...."

"There is nobody in this country who got sex on their own. Nobody. You got elected president out there - good for you."

"But I want to be clear. You floated your rubber ducks in bathtubs the rest of us paid for. You hired interns the rest of us paid to indoctrinate. You were safe in a swimming pool that the rest of us paid for. You didn't have to worry that Jackie would return home suddenly, and ruin everything... Now look. You built Camelot and it turned into something terrific. Great idea - God bless! Be a hunk in it. But part of the underlying social contract is you take a few of those Cuban cigars and leave them in the Oval Office for the next kid who comes along."

Meade, commenting on the post about JFK and his 19-year-old intern.

ADDED: In case you don't recognize the source for this satire, it's this.

Did you hear about President JFK and the 19-year-old? They took lots of baths where they played with rubber duckies.

Mimi Alford tells her tale, and she didn't call it rape, even though some of her friends prompted her with that word. She says that even at the point when the President overwhelmed her and took her virginity on Jackie's bed, she felt "the thrill of being desired." After that first encounter he was "attentive.. gentlemanly ... [and sometimes] seductive." Their "sexual relationship was varied and fun, and we spent an inordinate amount of time taking baths together, turning his elegant bathroom into our own mini-spa."

The only discordant note was the yellow rubber ducks, which a friend had sent him. Every time the President saw those ducks, he’d become irresistibly playful.

We named them after his family members, made up stories about them, and often set them racing from one end of the tub to other. It was part of his charm that he was a serious, sophisticated man with extraordinary responsibilities, yet willing to be completely silly.

Sounds like they had a fine time together. She was sleeping over all night when Jackie was out of town:

I was so pleased with myself at being chosen by the President that I didn’t feel self-conscious at all about wearing the same clothes at work two days in a row.

If my office mates noticed, I didn’t care. I felt invulnerable, as if I were cloaked with the President’s power.

What a trip. A power trip. Too bad for those other women (and men) who were not chosen. Did Alford wait until these inconvenient women passed away to preen about her powerful chosen-one status?

It shames me to admit that I don’t recall feeling any guilt. In my 19-year-old mind, I wasn’t invading the Kennedys’ marriage; I was merely occupying the President’s time when his wife was away. If he wasn’t troubled, why should I be? It was hardly by chance that in the 18 months I knew him, I never once met his wife.

Isn't it funny that the "19-year-old mind" came up with exactly the same set of trite justifications that almost every lover of a married man/woman comes up with if they don't want to admit they know it's wrong?

As the summer wore on, I was pulled deeper into his personal orbit. But despite the increasing level of familiarity between us, I never rose above being the obedient partner in our relationship.

Even in our most intimate moments, I called him Mr President. To do otherwise would have seemed inappropriate.

Inappropriate... and way less sexy. And speaking of obedience, there's the dirtiest story, the one where she gives a blow job to Dave Powers, the President’s special assistant after JFK whispers to her "Mr Powers looks a little tense — would you take care of it?"

I don’t think the President thought I’d do it, but I’m ashamed to say that I did.... Perhaps I was carried away by a spirit of playfulness.

Later, she realized it was sordid, and JFK apologized, but nevertheless tried it again, asking her to "take care of my baby brother" — that is, Teddy.

Over at The New Republic, Timothy Noah, absorbing the blow-job incident, calls JFK a "monster."

What do you think?
	Noah's right, he was a monster to do those things.
	It's complex, and JFK isn't around to tell us what domination and submission games they played.
	She was an adult, she consented, and she was callous toward Jackie (and her coworkers).
pollcode.com free polls

ADDED: "The rubber swan is mine" is a punchline from Vaughn Meader's "The First Family" album — a big hit comedy record at the time — in a segment in which Meader as JFK explains whose bath toys are whose. (Thanks to Hagar in the comments for the tip.) (I note that "schwanz" is slang for penis, so I wonder if Meader was in on the joke of JFK with his toys in the bath.)

"It is a liberal canard to say I am personally pro-life, but government should stay out of that decision."

"If that is your view, you are not pro-life, you are pro-having your cake and eating it too."

Said Rick Perry at last night's GOP candidate forum in Iowa. It's a well-crafted line, intended — I presume — to trip up Herman Cain, who just a few days ago delivered up precisely that "canard." He's walking (waddling?) back from the canard, but — as Rick Perry also said last night — "Being pro-life is not a matter of campaign convenience; it is a core conviction."

At the Duck Lake Café...

... you can hang out here all night.

ADDED: "The-the duckth haven't moved an inch in 2 days!"

At the Ducks-in-a-Row Café...

... you can elaborate all the points you want to make.

"Aflac Duck gets a Minnesota accent."

Daniel McKeague won the competition to replace Gilbert Gottfried (who got the boot for tweeting/quacking tsunami jokes).

(Listen here.)

"Gilbert Gottfried's jokes about Japan just cost him his job as the Aflac Duck."

Okay... and... are we allowed to make jokes about that?

"It's always one man and one woman walking here."

We overheard the young girl, balking at the entrance to the garden, where her mother had brought her yesterday.

Happy Easter.

Last night — baby chicks and ducks: