"American Idol" -- the "most shocking" result ever.

It's a two hour show tonight, but it's helping poor people, if you call up and make a donation. There are a lot of extra celebrities to keep you entertained... and to tell you to call up. But they also tantalize us with the news -- delivered by Ryan Seacrest -- that tonight's results are the "most shocking" ever, in all the seasons of the show. So what could that be? More shocking than Tamyra Gray going out in fourth place? Here's what I'm guessing, and I'm going to be pissed if it's true. I think they are going to say it was somehow a tie and no one is leaving tonight. Maybe two will go next week. Or that two are leaving tonight. Because I don't see how any one person leaving could be the most shocking thing ever. But they may think it is so if the loser tonight is Melinda Doolittle. And that definitely could happen. Checking "DialIdol," I know everyone is really close.

As for the charity event, how painful to see the incredibly rich Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell commiserating with a 12-year-old African boy who breaks down in tears over his dead parents. They present him as a hero for being the father of the house in a hovel in a shantytown the size of Central Park with over a million people, many of them parentless children. They are using the boy to encourage the audience to give money, but it just seems so crazy to me that the two millionaires won't just hand the boy the amount of money it would take to rescue him and his sister. Maybe they did when the cameras were gone.

MORE: But Melinda is safe. And so is Blake (my favorite). And Phil (AKA Bat Boy). And LaKisha. So it's either Chris or Jordin. But the only shocking result could be: Jordin!

Anyway, there are two weird pairings. We see Kelly Clarkson and Jeff Beck. Jeff Beck! Jeff Beck! Kelly is brilliant, as expected, but: Jeff Beck! What can I say? I'm very touched to see Jeff Beck. Then we get an Elvis impersonator and Celine Dion. Whatever.

YET MORE: Oh, no, it's Madonna, asking us to save a life by giving money. I want to know how much she gave. Because this is a PR opportunity for her. She's showing she cares. But she's fabulously rich. How much did she give?

AND: Oh, I predicted it! I said:

I think they are going to say it was somehow a tie and no one is leaving tonight. Maybe two will go next week.

That's essentially what they did. They don't proclaim a tie. I think they indicate that the lowest vote-getter was Jordin. And, changing the rules midstream -- I'm pissed! -- they say they can't send anyone home on "charity night," but they'll accumulate the votes from this week and next week and send two home next week.

EVEN MORE: Some good points are raised in the comments, so let me respond here.

I'm not impressed that they raised $30 million. There were 70 million votes Tuesday night, and how much did they invest putting the show together? How much ad money did they earn with this 2 hour display of nonentertainment. And all those celebrities participating? Yeah, Ellen gave $100,000, but did the other celebs cought up an equivalent portion of their great wealth?

It was a big PR thing, raising a paltry amount of money for all the parading of human suffering. And only $5 million from the corporate sponsors, purportedly based on the number of phoned in votes but capped at $5 million? I am not impressed by this stunt, which was all about the "American Idol" image. Better to give the money quietly, out of the vast sums they make on the show.

I'm told that really was Elvis in some some computer-generated gimmickry. Yawn. He wasn't too wonderful. I guess I averted my eyes. I paid little attention to any of the musical performances, except Jeff Beck.

As to the non-results. I can see that Ryan's statement that he was going to announce things randomly suggests that Chris and Jordin were not the actual bottom two. But what a stupid ordeal to put them through. Or did they know all along? That's even lamer. We were tricked into watching that gruesome PR.

It was really bad to have no results, and I definitely suspect them of saving someone they didn't want to lose. I'll bet if Phil or LaKisha had been last he/she would have gone.

"Since the slaughter raised no real issues, it was a blank slate on which anyone could doodle."

Christopher Hitchens on the reaction to the Virginia Tech massacre.

[The New York Times quoted] the Rev. Susan Verbrugge of Blacksburg Presbyterian Church, addressing her congregation in an attempt, in the silly argot of the day, "to make sense of the senseless":

Ms. Verbrugge recounted breaking through the previous week's numbness as she stopped on a morning walk and found herself yelling at the mountains and at God. Though her shouts were initially met with silence, she said, she soon was reassured by the simplest of things, the chirping of birds.

"God was doing something about the world," she said. "Starting with my own heart, I could see good."

Yes, it's always about you, isn't it? (By the way, I'd watch that habit of yelling at mountains and God in the greater Blacksburg area if I were you. Some idiot might take it for a "warning sign.") When piffle like this gets respectful treatment from the media, we can guess that it's not because of the profundity of the emotion but rather because of its extreme shallowness. Those birds were singing just as loudly and just as sweetly when the bullets were finding their targets.

Am I terrible for finding this hilarious and absolutely apt?

The jury must be able to "give meaningful effect or a 'reasoned moral response' to a defendant's mitigating evidence."

Wrote Justice Stevens, as the Supreme Court overturned three death sentences. Chief Justice Roberts writes in dissent: "'Whatever the law may be today, the Court's ruling that 'twas always so -- and that state courts were 'objectively unreasonable' not to know it -- is utterly revisionist,'' Roberts said.

I'd like to explain that to you, but I've got to get my notes together for my federal jurisdiction class, where we happen to be studying the very aspect of habeas corpus law that you need to know to understand what Roberts is talking about.

From the Roberts opinion:

Under the Antiterrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act of 1996 (AEDPA), however, a state-court decision can be set aside on federal habeas review only if it is "contrary to, or involved an unreasonable application of, clearly established Federal law, as determined by the Supreme Court of the United States." 28 U. S. C. § 2254(d)(1). When this Court considers similar challenges to the same jury instructions five separate times, it usually is not because the applicable legal rules are "clearly established." The Court today nonetheless picks from the five precedents the one that ruled in favor of the defendant -- Penry I -- and anoints that case as the one embodying "clearly established Federal law." In doing so the Court fails to give any meaningful weight to the two pertinent precedents subsequent to Penry -- Graham and Johnson -- even though those cases adopted a more limited view of Penry I than the Court embraces today.

About those inspirational songs.

I just want to flag the discussion from yesterday about the "inspirational" songs done on last night's "American Idol." I said I liked the song "Imagine," and that touched off a lot of antagonism. Some folks really hate it. They call it "nihilistic," even though it's a simple expression of longing for universal peace and love. Sure, it's naive about politics and theology, but so what? To complain about that is like complaining that a classic love song fails to take into account the complexity of long-term sexual relationships.

The singer who was most aggressively promoted last night, Jordin Sparks, sang "You'll Never Walk Alone." The judges and many viewers ate up the bombastic performance. Now, that made me feel nihilistic. There's only one situation in which the song "You'll Never Walk Alone" is acceptable, and that is in its original setting, at the end of the emotional arc of a theatrical performance of "Carousel." Outside of that context, it is histrionic and hideous.

I was forced to sing that song in public school music classes back in the 1960s, along with "Climb Ev'ry Mountain" and "The Theme from 'Exodus'" ("This land is mine, God gave this land to me/This brave and ancient land to me"). What a gruesome grind that was! You couldn't wait to get out of there, go home, and play some Beatles records.

The "Girls Gone Wild" guy goes wild.

And goes to jail for it.

Blowing his nose and wiping away his tears, Joe Francis, 34, the multimillionaire founder of the “Girls Gone Wild” empire of breast-baring videos, pleaded guilty to contempt of court on Monday in Panama City, Fla., and was sentenced to 35 days in jail... He apologized to United States District Judge Richard Smoak for yelling during negotiations to settle a lawsuit brought by seven women who were minors when they were filmed at Panama City Beach in 2003. He said the women lied about their ages. He has reached a settlement for an undisclosed amount.

Any tears -- other than his own -- for Joe? I think not.

And then Dick Cheney appeared and all the angels sang.

Dick Cheney's halo became fully visible yesterday as he came to the Capitol for the the weekly Republican policy lunch. Speaking to reporters, he denounced the Democrats:

"Some Democratic leaders seem to believe that blind opposition to the new strategy in Iraq is good politics. Senator Reid himself has said that the war in Iraq will bring his party more seats in the next election. It is cynical to declare that the war is lost because you believe it gives you political advantage."

The steely Schumer calmly strode away from the Cheney aura, but Reid could not hide his dread.

"American Idol" gives back.

So this is some sort of charity event, with sponsors donating 10¢ a call, but only up to 50 million calls, so they seem to be using this gimmick to stimulate a lot of extra calls that won't result in a donation at all. That bugs me. It's a good cause, but there really is no connection to the calls. You've just got corporate sponsors giving $5 million. Nice enough, but a lot of hype is achieved for the show and the sponsors, and people are duped into calling more, believing their phone calls are saving lives. It's a bit creepy.

It wasn't a very good show, as the singers had to act profound and sincere. There's nothing phonier that that. I sort of enjoyed Blake singing "Imagine." He showed some taste and restraint, and of course, I already like Blake and "Imagine."

I'm not going to write about all the contestants. I'm just watching the end, as they rave over Jordin Sparks bellowing "You Never Walk Alone." Ugh.

ADDED: In the comments, there a lot of anti-"Imagine" sentiment. It seems mostly about the "no religion too" bit. And I say I watch the show as a self-imposed blogging assignment, and people tell me not to do it if I don't enjoy it. But I enjoy blogging about it, and only write as much as I feel like, as this post shows.

But I feel like writing one more thing. There was all that material showing poor people, the ones that $5 million is supposed to save. We see Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell visiting desperately needy people somewhere in Africa, and then there's Simon saying things like "This is simply awful," which, you can't help thinking, is exactly what we hear him saying every week about mediocre singing. There's something so wrong about this. You can't help feeling that he's expressing how bad the experience is making him feel, since that's what he's doing all those times when he's saying "that was horrible" to a Idol contestant. Putting himself in this environment was for Simon the equivalent of the oft-cited singer's mistake: choosing the wrong song.