Ronald Reagan "made sure I was aware of the length of time he had been 'ardent.' It was 40 minutes."

Writes Piper Laurie, who is now 79 but was 18 when the 39-year-old Reagan relieved her of her virginity. Reagan's not around to dispute the long untold tale, but Laurie says she complained that she was nevertheless unsatisfied, and Reagan told her she should see a doctor about that.

Whatever. I can't find a clip of her in that movie with Reagan — "Louisa." (She was great in "Carrie.") Reagan played her father in "Louisa," but that doesn't make it incest, you know. And he asked her mother permission to take her out on a date, he made her hamburgers, and — as noted — he was ardent for 40 minutes.