I hate disco!

Time for another grueling round of "American Idol." The theme is announced: “70s dance music.” It makes Constantine say: “Let’s boogie.” It makes Chris (here at home) say: “Why don’t they just say disco?” I say, “I think they are counting something beyond disco.” Seacrest gave Earth, Wind & Fire as a clue (along with Bee Gees and Donna Summer), so I think they can do disco or (let’s hope) funk.

Funk ≠ disco.

Constantine Maroulis: proving he’s into the whole cheesiness of Idol, he goes with the Bee Gees. “Nights On Broadway.” He’s gotten his hair streaked with blond, and I’m seeing eyeliner. He hams it up a lot. Paula: “Everything about you in the last few weeks is oh-my-God.” Simon: “Akin to a waiter in some ghastly Spanish restaurant.” In the Seacrest interview, we get a nice closeup. His hair is super-shiny, and there’s not just eyeliner, there’s golden eyeshadow. And it looks great!

Carrie Underwood: she’s doing “MacArthur Park.” Huh? You know, the Donna Summer one. She’s going for a Stevie Nicks look, but Stevie Nicks in 80s “Dynasty” makeup. She’d look better if someone left her out in the rain and let the sweet green icing flow down. The song ends with a long, dragged out “Oh, no” – like “ooooohhhhhh noooooo” – and that’s my thought exactly. Randy loves it. Paula (she’s cringing, but she’ll lie): “Wow on that last note, you held it out for the longest I think any Idol’s ever held a note.” Yikes! What passes for good. Simon comments on the look: “It’s like Barbie meets the Stepford Wives.” Nothing about the music.

Scott Savol: “Seventies ain’t my thing.” But he is dancing and moving about under a mirror ball. So there’s a fun side of Scott. Actually, it’s rather amusing. The song is “Everlasting Love.” Nice! They want him to leave though, so let’s see how they try to kill him. Randy: “just the right song… it was hot.” Paula uses her turn to harass Simon about how he probably never danced. Simon admits he’s never danced and Randy quotes the phrase “the dead don’t dance.” Simon’s looking for a theory why Scott has squeaked by thus far: “You are Ordinary Guy who is doing quite well” – basically karaoke. Scott aces the Seacrest interview, asking God to bless Simon and saying happy birthday to his mom. Why is that acing? Because it will bring in the votes he needs. Watch him avoid the bottom three this week. America will keep Ordinary Guy afloat.

Anthony Fedorov: boy, is he looking dewy fresh! He’s figured out what he has that the other guys lack: sheer youth. “Don’t Take Away the Music.” Ooh, I hate this song. Oh, but he’s ending well. Those high notes. Randy, Paula: they love it. Simon: “pleasant, safe, and a little insipid – so it’s sort of a compliment.”

Vonzell Solomon: doing Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman.” She’s got a cool 60s hairdo: the huge bump with a long fall. But you’re not supposed to remember the decades straight. It’s just some nostalgic old crap. I guess she’s good, but by now I’m in full “I hate disco” mode. Randy: “you worked it out.” Paula: “best performance so far tonight.” Simon: “one of the most difficult songs… your personality can carry a song like that.. and I think you did get away with that.” So they pretty much all said it was on the edge of a horror, but we love you anyway.

Anwar Robinson: “September” – Earth, Wind & Fire. Is this funk? Just seems like more disco. Arrrggghhh! That was painful. Randy: “great… good.” Paula: “awesome.” Simon: like a “seventies revue musical.” In the interview, he phonily claims he “just wanted to have fun tonight.” I’m predicting him as the loser.

They’ve saved Bo Bice for last. Clearly, they want to help him (after he landed in the bottom three last week). They already singled him out in the show’s intro. Don’t forget to help Bo! “Vehicle” is his song. Never heard of it. I tried to hide from disco. Everyone I knew hated disco. Oh, wait. I know this song. “I’m your vehicle, woman/I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.” He just wants to be used. Please think of me as a car. Kind of a rich, old geezer’s desperate line to a beautiful, young woman, isn’t it? Simon thinks this is his “only authentically good performance.”

Okay. I hate disco, and I did not enjoy any of that. But it’s over now, so I'll settle down. What’s going to happen in the vote? I think Constantine, Bo, and Vonzell are secure. I think Anwar is in the biggest trouble. But who will the other two in the bottom three be? You know I want Carrie in the bottom three, so I’ll just predict her. And Anthony. Scott will survive.